


Before I Fall

by allsovacant



Series: something to cry on [5]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: A bit not series compliant, Angst, Gen, In Sherlock's messy point of view, Post-Reichenbach, because i was depressed johnlock suffers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 08:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14973497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allsovacant/pseuds/allsovacant
Summary: One of the iconic scenes on the stairs of 221B, written differently.





	Before I Fall

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bluebuell33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebuell33/gifts).



> For Blue, because she's my favourite colour.
> 
> –just one of a million thoughts that crossed my mind while I was listening to the song, _Desperado_ by the EAGLES. Such feels on that song. Also, please don't mind the SH, JW, thing. I really like the initial thing. As usual, no grammar police present. Thanks for reading.

JW: "I asked of you not to be dead."

His words made me stop on my way down the stairs. I remember those words. Fresh from my memory like an afternoon rain. The words that almost made me back out from dismantling Moriarty's network. The words that almost had me choosing myself than the lives of those around me. Because the pain I've felt when I heard those words leaving his mouth was excruciating. 

SH: "I heard you." I quietly reply.

I really did. Because I was there. I was there when he broke down. I was there when he pleaded for another chance. When he told me...  
When he told me that I didn't even given him the chance to finally express his feelings. His... affection. That he just realised when I was gone. That he... Had loved me.  
How I was so unfair. How he wanted to kill Moriarty himself. 

And that time, all I ever wanted... was to reveal myself and tell him how deeply troubled I am with what I did. But also it was for him and Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade that I took the Fall. 

That I also...

I... Sherlock Holmes, has already took a 'fall' before that rooftop scene. That I have fallen in love with John Watson, the moment my gaze found him when Mike Stamford brought him after lunch. And that increasing gravitational pull we had for each other on every single case we took. On every bed we shared on late night surveillances. 

JW: "So it seems." 

I heard him say, pulling me out of my reverie. I turned around and saw him on the last steps of the stairs. Standing still, hands clasped behind, looking calm and collected.

Always been a soldier, _My_ soldier. 

But I wanted to know something.  
Something that had been occupying my thoughts the moment he shouted my name when he saw me fall... When I saw him on one of his visits on my 'grave'. When he finally stopped visiting, after a year, according to Mycroft. And the reason was... Well, he found someone.

 _What if..._  
And I know I have to ask him right now.  
I shouldn't get my hopes up. But I'll try. 

SH: "But what if It didn't took two years, John? What if I came back right away after I jumped? Let's say... I have your safety and Mrs Hudson's and Lestrade's, sorted immediately. How about in a year? And you're..." 

I trailed off, I shouldn't be asking this of him. He have suffered enough. But still, there's something inside me that wanted that answer.

JW: "What do you mean–MY safety and Mrs.– What the bloody hell do you mean?"

His voice is already rising. Of course, he's unaware. He's unaware of everything I have done. I have sacrificed. Specially, mine and John's, 'What If?'— _'What if?' John..._ and with a deep breath, I continued–

SH: "What if I came back right away, and explained everything to you. And you already have... Mary...then?"

I pull my gaze down as his eyes narrows before me. This is my last chance. If John reads between my lines then he will understand what I have been asking about.

SH: "Would you still have me?" I took a breath–"WHAT would you do, John?" I insist, "What was it that you would've done?"

I return my gaze to him and watch as his blue eyes darken, watch as his throat swallowed, and his lips parting for an intake of sharp breath. A hitch on his chest. I can tell that this is getting hard for him. 

What I've said, what I've asked.  
But I want to know.  
I hate not knowing.

He closed his eyes momentarily and opened them again. And he looked at me as if it was the last thing he'll ever do.

JW: "Nothing. I would've done nothing."  
A pause and then he added,  
"I, no longer believe in 'what if's' Sherlock. But if these things didn't happen. I would have done nothing–"

I watch him as he step off the stairs and walked slowly towards me. His gaze unfaltering. I couldn't take it, so I turned on my back. 

Just as I thought...

SH: "I see."  
That's all I can say, I didn't know how long I've been breathing in beats that I can count before I followed through–  
"Well, it appears it didn't even mattered if... If I came back–that I came back... or not at all."

This is it.  
Let it go.  
I can do this. I told myself. I always do. But... There's always a 'but'. An exception when it comes to John Watson.

As droplets of tears fell from my eyes, I turned around and met John's soft gaze. Why is he even looking at me like this?  
But before I even contemplate of the answer, he beat me to it–

JW: "Because I would never have Mary, if I already... have you." 

_Really, John?_  
His statement took me by surprise. I couldn't react. Is this what I really wanted? To make him choose? But I never made him choose. I was just asking...

JW: "No, you're not making me choose."  
He suddenly said, as if reading my mind. He's looking at me now, with sad eyes. I wanted to punch myself with what I am putting him through. But it's all clear to me. After all, alone is what I have.

SH: "I understand."  
I say, as I wipe clean my face. John sighs heavily as he speak, as if every breath is the last. His eyes roaming, searching my face.

JW: "Sherlock–why can't we just–"

He paused and made a move of putting a hand on my back and in that instant I flinched. I was suddenly aware of the wounds on my back. The ones I've acquired from my captivity just a few months ago. Before Mycroft found me. The fresh wounds that numbed once I saw John again in that restaurant, the night I showed myself. The wounds that made me feel pain again when I saw him with a woman. And John, John looking utterly devastated and betrayed. But now as I flinched, John saw that reaction. And I know he will ask. But no, I will not answer. Because he doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. This ends now.

I gathered myself before speaking. I cleared my throat and turned to John.

SH: "I just want you to know... That I am, I am happy for you, John. Do not doubt that. And I am grateful, to be considered as your friend. I am... I... I wish... you.. all the best... with Mary." 

I swallowed down on my throat. I hate myself when I stammer. But I also know to myself that I wouldn't be able to say any of those words without my voice breaking.

And with that I turned on my back without waiting for John's response.

I took the deerstalker hat from the rack and put it on and walked swiftly towards the door.

JW: "Sherlock..."  
I heard John called my name softly. But something in his voice tells me that I should never turn around or everything we have been through, will be pushed to the limit. Everything that John had been through will mean nothing.

It is what it is–even if it's shit.

I'm still holding the knob on my hand feeling its coldness against my warmth. I felt John walked behind me as he follow me through the door.

SH: "I'll be leaving for Moscow tomorrow."  
The words leaves my mouth gently. There's a new case Mycroft left on my care. And for once, I am thankful to him for this distraction. I need it.

SH: "My plane leaves at four-thirty in the morning. But after the commotion outside, I'll be staying at a hotel. Mycroft will see me off. You don't have to worry."  
I continued. I hears him sigh again. Something I'll definitely miss, and I can't help but smile bitterly.

JW: "A'right... Call me when you land."  
I heard him say and it made me chuckle. I don't know why but it made me laugh. Maybe because he was going to be married in two days and he's asking me to call him, when the probability of him being on a honeymoon by the time I landed is ninety-percent.

I half-turned to his direction and said,  
SH: "No, John. I won't be needing my phone this time."

 _"No, John. A phone call will never be enough."_ I wanted to say.

And as John gave me a hard look and a nod, his blue eyes are masked with something I couldn't point out. As always, the mystery of John Watson–I turned to face the door before I say anything that might ruin this farewell. 

And with that I turned the knob to be Sherlock Holmes again, the only Consulting Detective in the world. 

######

Unbeknownst to my usual crowd, I did went to John's wedding. I re-scheduled my flight after that. Lestrade was his best man. His bride looked happy–And he looked happy. At least, that's what I thought. Although, he occasionally does turn his head around, as if looking for someone. His blue eyes that were sparkling like the ocean bathed with moonlight, replaced with a solemn look. It was so beautiful. It was still. And I decided to keep that on my mind palace. I left right away, after the ceremony. 

As I settle in Sussex, I realized that the best way to move on is to be the Sherlock Holmes that I have been from the past. Before a certain John Watson walked into my life. Before the pain. Before I was saved. Before I fall.


End file.
